Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Notice the energy? Feels different. Even as I increase the space between me and the news and the negative the eerie unsettling feeling washes over me.
I know we are swallowing more fear knowing it will sicken us.
I know we as a culture are letting our commitments be pushed aside by our complaints.
I feel like everyone around me is treading water in their lives in hopes of maintaining just enough air for another day. The mention of years in the distance instantly provokes tears. They all seem exhausted. I too am tired.
Just because this isn't a lucky year doesn't mean I haven't been blessed. Just because I am tired does't mean I am close to giving up.
I can either choose distance or connection. I can choose to break down the walls or build them up. I can choose to break through or be broken.
Submitting to becoming broken is a thought that enters my mind then I beat it out like a pest with a broom. Shoo! Be gone from my mind, don't tread on my heart, there is no space disease that weakens my mind, attempts to dilute my vision and lessen the value of my divine commitments.
I choose to break through.
Monday, June 30, 2014
I have learned to seek understanding.
Instead of expecting the best,
I have learned to expect to grow.
Instead of inviting resentment,
I learned to nurture and speak my own needs.
Instead of accepting assumptions as truth,
I have learned to ask questions and receive reassurance and clarity.
Instead of accepting unfounded fears,
I have learned to be vulnerable and find freedom.
Instead of turning away,
I learned the power of turning towards.
Instead of looking for evidence we were growing apart,
I have learned that looking for ways to grow together creates passion.
Instead of counting the years,
I learned to appreciate and treasure every moment.
Today, I am thankful for the last seven years in marriage. Thankful for continued commitment, investment and confidence in our friendship. Thankful for my best friend and the love of my life, my husband Eli.
Friday, June 27, 2014
We grow up being praised for being right. The praise, the rewards and the glory of being right is often misdirected. There are those exceptional leaders that mention and attempt to facilitate the concept of being right but not at the expense of others. Did I hear that part correctly? Being right but not at the expense of others. That piece doesn't sink in unless I am actively paying attention, actively choosing to create a safe space and continually being committed to being present.
Being right is often wrong. When I feel myself distancing myself from those who care for me and snuggling up to being righteous - I am wrong. Pulling out emotions and using them as ammunition to be right is a bit like picking up sand and stones from the ground in a nasty defensive and immature fit.
Emotions are not facts. Every emotion I have ever had was twisted, pulled and pushed from various sources. The weather, my blood sugar, the comment I took personally that had nothing to do with me and all of the other things. The clutter in my mind makes my emotions unreliable as sources.
Giving into being right and allowing being righteous to be who I am is investing in a pursuit that only leads to distance from those who care for me. There is no space for them, at least not a safe one.
While I am not responsible for the feelings of others I am committed to my relationship with them. The unspoken covenant I should learn to share is that I commit to crafting a safe space, one where I will support them, listen with empathy and speak my needs without hesitation. It's a work in progress.
Cheers to a life that chooses connection over distance. Cheers to a life that chooses nurturing and love. Cheers to a life that doesn't seek out happiness but instead finds joy in growth together.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
|Rick Grimes and his infant daughter Lyndi aka me|
Sunday, May 25, 2014
"I don’t care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching they are your family." - Jim ButcherI am spoiled I learned early that every decision I made either creates connection or distance. I must be approaching that 10,000 hour mark of practicing that lesson and making it a skill. Before long I may even be able to say I am a master of choosing between those roads. Next skill I hope to add to my life resume is becoming a master of repair.
While no one had to wipe my under carriage keeping me occupied and safe was part of the job description. For those who nurtured me back to where I am today, about a C+, I want to have a party. A HUGE one. This isn't a new idea, just one I am starting to mentally craft. Where, when, what will we eat? The point is to celebrate those who took the time to invest, encourage and support me.
"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed."- Ernest HemingwayThe vision that is coming together is one that reminds everyone they are appreciated, gives them another piece of evidence they have a safe space and a community around them. I am thinking once I am a little buffer I will be up for being hostess, making a keynote and crafting a celebration to be remembered.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
The gift of time doesn't end the pain, however it does allow for processing and healing. Took me months to accept that gift.
Today is a new May 24th, with new opportunities, today is a privilege and I deeply thankful.
I didn't find out today was the 24th until just before our little family was about to head out for brunch. The moment I was told was the moment I finally saw an open door. I could choose what this day could represent beyond the anniversary of the auto collision. I could choose the flavor of morning, sharing bits of pancake with my two year old daughter. I could listen deeper and be more present with my husband. I could choose to be the patient, compassionate advocate for my family and myself that I want to be. I chose, I crafted and I completed a new memory and meaning for the day.
The next goal is to summon up some bravery. Today also marks a year since I have ridden my thoroughbred, Cody. I spent a good hour playing with both Cody and our Foxtrotter Finnegan. Played, at Liberty I let them self lunge in the paddock and I attempted to convince them to use their new Jolly Ball. They were both interested in my shenanigans. They both are masters of living in the present. They calmly showed me their tricks, curiously sniffed me or stood next to me contemplating the world. There is still so much more I can learn from those two. The bravery part comes in to saddle the horse up, walk up the mounting block steps and get on the back of that 1,200lb horse. Twelve months ago I wouldn't have batted an eye, today I find myself collecting reasons on why a simple ride around the paddock isn't a good idea. Summoning bravery to once again craft a new a new meaning for May 24th.